and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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