I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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