I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize