I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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