Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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