Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize