I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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