i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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