Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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