There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize