Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
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Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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