Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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