i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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