I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
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i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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