The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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