The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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