I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I need moral support for this bender
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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