i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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