just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
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A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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