chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize