I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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