In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
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Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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