I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize