Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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