Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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