Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
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He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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