normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
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He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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