Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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