that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
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No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
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These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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