I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize