This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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