as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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