last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
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Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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