I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
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its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We left the knife in your bed.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
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You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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