??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
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