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You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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