gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
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I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bring me that man meat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize