Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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