I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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