i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
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Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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