hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
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I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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