if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I AM VODKA MAN
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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