I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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