Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Help. Why am I so naked?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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