I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
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Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
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drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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