Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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