Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
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I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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