I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
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It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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