nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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