Just fell off a train. Bad.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
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The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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